Do you want to age gracefully? Me too. But I still often wonder whether botox, tucking, nipping, or just letting things happen naturally is right for me. How in the world do you know what’s right for you when aging itself is something that’s new and always changing? We all meet new signs of aging as part of a process that unfolds to each of us slowly, slowly.
Aging isn’t easy. But it certainly doesn’t have to be hell, either. Sometimes, I think we make it harder than it has to be by not being just a little bit more deliberate about we think about the changing that aging brings.
I think it’s possible to become an even better version of yourself as you get older – living this idea is my definition of aging gracefully.
It’s one thing to proclaim that you’ll ‘age gracefully‘ ahead of time. You’ll allow the wrinkles to come in and let your hair go gray naturally. But it’s a whole other thing to be with those changes and not judge, not resist, and not make it mean something that makes you feel crappy about it. In order to not let things get out of hand, we must become conscious by using a process of self-inquiry to find out how you really feel about aging and forget about what we’ve been programmed to believe. So, let’s find out, shall we?
There is much about aging that is under our control. We can eat really healthy, work out, lift weights, and have a great social life as we get older. Great! aging doesn’t have to suck as much as it used to. We all know that aging doesn’t have to limit us as much as it used to these days. Yet…although we may know this intellectually, I also think it is common to at the same time resist the march of time.
Cognitive dissonance is the state of having inconsistent thoughts, beliefs, or attitudes, especially as relating to behavioral decisions and attitude change. Cognitive dissonance is what happens when you think to yourself that you are really great with being middle-aged, and at the same time resist those realities of aging.
This happened to me when I decided I wasn’t going to color my hair anymore. I thought for sure that this was how I was going to embrace aging gracefully. Two years later after it all grew in, I hated the way I looked. I was in cognitive dissonance and it is a miserable place to be – wanting something and at the same time hating it.
Two years later after it all grew in, I still hated the way I looked. I was stuck in cognitive dissonance and let me tell you that it is a miserable place to be – wanting something and at the same time hating the reality of it.
This is often how it goes with aging. We want to accept it. But certain things are hard to. Luckily for me, coloring my hair is an easy fix.
In matters of aging, change what you can if you are able, and it makes you happy.
what about things we can’t change?
Cognitive dissonance keeps us stuck because it requires some sort of change of action or mind in order to fix it. After two years, I finally had to admit that I was never going to like me with gray hair. My ego hates to admit it’s wrong. It’s not easy to say, you know what? I was totally wrong about this! I told everyone I was letting my gray come in but I changed my mind. My advice is to take the ego hit, and try to resolve your conflicted feeling about aging by changing your hair color, get in shape, getting botox, or whatever! If it makes you feel better, that’s the best way to thrive in midlife.
But what about things we can’t change? A milestone birthday, for instance?
If cognitive dissonance is happening about things you just can’t change, take a closer look at your thoughts because what you think always affects how you feel.
If you believe that you can’t ever be a happy person at age 55, then turning 55 will be problematic for you. The best news is that your beliefs about aging can be examined and changed. YOU are completely in control of how you think and feel about getting older. I highly recommend that you first become aware of sneaky and often hidden negative beliefs about getting older, examine them to see if they work for you, and then exchange those beliefs for more positive ones if necessary. This is called self-coaching and it is skill that will help you feel better about anything not just aging.
how to self-coach
1. For any challenging aging issue, write down what’s bothering you. Just put it all down on paper.
2. Read what you wrote and circle the thoughts that you are thinking about the situation.
3. See how those thoughts are directly connected with how you are feeling. Become conscious that it is always the thoughts that you are choosing to think that are responsible for you how feel, not the circumstances themselves!
4. See how your current feeling affects how you act (or don’t act) which affects the results you get in your life.
5. To change things, replace your current thoughts with more peaceful or positive ones. Experiment with how choosing better thoughts will filter down the chain and give you the results you want.
new thoughts about what it means to thrive in midlife
Although we must accept the aging process, we CAN look for new and more positive examples of what positive aging means. Thankfully there are SO MANY wonderful examples of women who look vital and happy in midlife. I even made a Pinterest board with some awesome examples – have a peek here. Every time I have a look at this pin board called Beauty has no age, it makes me feel really great about being the age that I am and I get really inspired by their style, makeup, and hair. I encourage you to start collecting images of middle-aged women who inspire you to get comfortable in your own skin, too. Maybe create your own pinboard, too.
I’m not saying this is easy work. Sometimes changing your beliefs means undoing 40+ years of our culture that undervalues what it means to get older. I hope that I have given you some new perspectives to help you forge your own trailblazing path into the future and help you shed some hidden negative beliefs in order to bloom into the fully-formed mature version of YOU.
It’s a path that only you can walk for yourself. This midlife time of life really has no hard and fast rules, but I am sure that midlife is life’s next great opportunity for you to fully define who YOU are and who you want to be in your second half, so try to have some fun with it and see it as an experiment in grace.